i have been a bad girl…. and i am so ashamed of myself
For the past week i have been nothing but sulky and moody and bitchy and bratty and rebellious. i cried my eyes out over stupid commercials on TV and snapped at those around me for no apparent reason. It reached a point yesterday where i thought to myself:
“FFS! Just pull yourself together. you are carrying on like a two-year-old who can’t get the shiny new toy. you need a spanking for sure!”
It’s been bad, i haven’t had a good night’s sleep all week, i can’t remember when last i had a proper meal and i have quite literally worried myself sick over nothing. It is so stupid, but only Master can silence my mind and when He is not around, i am yet to discover how to get that right.
Then, last night, o boy, did i lose it last night. And not with anyone, with my Master. Bad girl! Plus i lost it for no valid reason (not that i could ever have a valid reason to get angry at Master, good slave girls don’t do that remember) and not in a pretty way either. i sat there seething and boiling and when Master left with the words “it’s OK, now stop being mad at my property” i smiled and waved Him goodbye just to crumble into a little heap and ball my eyes out. The ensuing war of the viciously nasty thoughts and memories that engulfed my being resulted in zero sleep on my part and a couple of emails flying in my Master’s direction and an even more cranky me greeting the sunrise. Talk about spinning out of control, but wait it gets better…
What do i do at this point? Do i send my Master a sweet good morning text and follow rules? Heck no, not this chick. Defiant little old me sends this message to Master:
Good morning Master, i hope you slept well. i haven’t slept at all and just wanted to let you know that i will not be doing xyz this morning. i am not in the right frame of mind for that. Consequences? Well, it is wat it is. O and by the way, i’ve emailed you, a couple of times
My exact words. Now, at this point is where i can see you shaking your head with a twitchy palm thinking i need some discipline or literally falling of your chair from laughing.
What does my Master do through all of this? He stays calm and patient. In His infinite wisdom He doesn’t lash out at my, He doesn’t show me any anger, He doesn’t get nasty and resentful. He stays Master and He stays in control. i don’t think my Master realizes the extend of what this meant to me. He is the calm in my storm and He has proven that to me. It is such a vast difference from what i am used to and this reaction of His has gone a long way in helping me shift from a vanilla mind-set (which unfortunately seems to be sticking around for longer than i want it to) to that of slave to my Master.
Two short answers and a very direct email message and i know who is in control and i feel my world slowly fall back into place. At some point today when we had figured out where it was all coming from, i jokingly said to Master “well, i dodged a bullet on this one”. His response was enough to let me know i am in trouble.
“Who said anything about dodging a bullet?”
THERE, that moment changed my entire mood around. All of the negative, rebellious, defiant, irritated emotions slipped away and immediately i could feel calmness come over me. my Master took control and made it known to me.
So, for the first time since we’ve started on this journey, i’ve managed to book myself some punishment for this weekend. Not funishment, punishment. There will be no fun to be had here and i know it.
Do i deserve it? Yes, i do
Will i try to wangle my way out of it? No, i won’t
You see, i am not looking forward to it – not at all, but i know it is needed. i don’t quite know how to explain how i feel, but saying “i need the release that can only be obtained by discipline” resonates with everything in me.
i have come to realize that, when i get moody and irritable or hit a low, i become defiant and rebellious. i don’t like it, but it is what it is, and it is in that, that i have come to realize that i almost need to be micro-managed on days when i feel like that. Not quite micro-managed, but something like that.
For me, and this is where i have to be careful not to be put my foot in it, the consequence is almost more important than then rule. If Master gives me a simple rule to follow, for instance sleeping with my collar, and i don’t do that there must be consequence, right? So, if there is no consequence, then the rule becomes flexible and if the rules becomes flexible and i know there is no consequence, why would i make a point of remembering it at all. i am going to the extreme on this and am not saying that this is the way that i am. i posted a question about Rules on FetLife the other day. One of the responses said that if a Master does not follow through with consequence, the slave will start to test Him and His dominance will slip. i can only agree to an extend. i will never go as far as “testing” my Master, but for me the dominance and control that Master has over me is a reminder to me of who and what i am. i suppose in a way you could say the follow through of consequence is such an expression of dominance and ownership that i KNOW it will take me back to the core of what i am: slave to my Master, there to serve, honour, please and obey. i NEED that stern voice when i am out whack. i need to be put in my place.
i thrive on structure and rules and obeying. Equally so, i “know” that i then need to be disciplined when i go against it. i thrive on knowing the rule, obeying the rule and being mindful of the consequence if it is not followed.
So, this punishment, i have wholly brought upon myself and as Your slave, i will suffer what my Master ordains, learn what my Master teaches me and change what my Master alters
Here’s to KNOWING i’ve learned a valuable lesson…