it’s tough…

We do what we can.. we make it work.. but it’s tough

It’s tough not being able to serve every day when that is all that you want to do

It’s tough just sitting around waiting for something to do while Master is off doing everything and has no use for your service

It’s tough following a bunch of rules when it feels like it doesn’t even matter

It’s tough remembering your place when you ache to serve but instead have to be in a world that has no concept of the very thing that breathes life into your soul, the thing that burns life wild fire in your veins and consumes your entire being

It’s tough waiting to hear those words “You are mine” and wanting to ask to hear it and deciding not to and then overthinking everything

It’s tough waiting for weekends or chance encounters when work and kids and the world allows it

It’s tough… and it makes me sad and sulky and i miss my Master and His touch and command

i miss my Master so much

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Total Surrender

It’s been a while since I’ve written, but it’s been (mostly) all good.  Lots of growth, not only as a slave but also in “personal” areas.  Growth that i would never have been able to reach without my Master’s guidance and help and patience.  O my gosh does that man have A LOT of patience!!!

Master told me it’s time to start writing again and He wants me to focus on total surrender – what it means and how to get there.

What is the BDSM definition of total surrender?

An absolute Master/slave commitment is one in which the Master holds the absolute and total power over his slave. The agreement between both parties must be a consensual one, in which the slave consented to give her Master all of her personal power, when she accepted her Masters collar. Once the slave has consented to give her Master all of her power, absolutely, total and unconditional, then no further consent is required from there on in, as the Master now holds the absolute power and responsibility over his slave.  A slave has no rights, other then the privileges granted to her by her Master. A slave has no limits other then the boundaries set for her, by her Master. A slave is her Masters property. A Master may do with his slave as he alone sees fit. Absolute and total means 100% and that entails absolute and total submission, obedience and unconditional surrender on the slaves part. A slave cannot release herself from her Masters collar and service, without the explicit agreement and approval of her Master. A slaves only purpose it to serve and please her Master, as/or defined by each individual Master. Wikipedia

Where am i, where do i want to be?

Truth be told, i don’t know where i am on this.  At times i think i am there, but then something happens and i KNOW i have a long way to go.  Truth be told i have no idea how far along this process i am.  Let’s break it down:

An absolute Master/slave commitment is one in which the Master holds the absolute and total power over his slave. The agreement between both parties must be a consensual one, in which the slave consented to give her Master all of her personal power, when she accepted her Masters collar. Once the slave has consented to give her Master all of her power, absolutely, total and unconditional, then no further consent is required from there on in, as the Master now holds the absolute power and responsibility over his slave. – Our relationship, even though it is a 24/7 lifestyle and not just kink, does not as yet allow us to live it to the full.  Living arrangements, finances, work, children etc – we have our “separate” lives.  Even though we have these “separate” lives, i have absolutely no doubt in my mind of my commitment to my Master and our lifestyle.  i am 100% there, but it is not always easy to remember and be in agreement with this.

A slave has no rights, other then the privileges granted to her by her Master. – The slowly dying vanilla part of who i used to be still struggle with this.  i sometimes feel like i am in a constant inner battle between slave (core) and vanilla (mind) and i am SO over it.  Sometimes when i miss my Master, i slip into a vanilla mindset of “well, if he doesn’t care enough to do this or that, then why should i?”  or “yes, I am a slave but I am also your girlfriend and have the right to this or that” – this inevitably leads to rebellious actions, etc, etc.  Even thinking it i feel bad and i know that those kind of thoughts are not allowed as part of my surrender to Master.  i know it and there are very few things in life i want to conquer more that this – the vanilla way of thinking and sense of self / self preservation.

A slave has no limits other then the boundaries set for her, by her Master.  – Thankfully we are in complete agreement where limits are concerned (well mostly haha)  There is one thing that, according to Master may or may not happen and i honestly don’t know.  The slave part of me wants to say “sure, anytime, let’s do it.  my Master has my best interest at heart and won’t do anything to damage our relationship, so just trust Him and do it.  Do it NOW.”  Mental Vanilla me sees 6 million ways it could go wrong, kicks in her heels and says hell no!  You see why i struggle with knowing where i am?

A slave is her Masters property. – i’ve always wanted to feel owned so there is no issue there

A Master may do with his slave as he alone sees fit. – agreed, but what if…. (vanilla mind) STOP refer back to your thoughts on limits slave…

Absolute and total means 100% and that entails absolute and total submission, obedience and unconditional surrender on the slaves part. – i want to be there 100%… that counts… there is just a little bit of strong willed rebellious little bit of the old me that gets in the way.  For instance, the other day Master was about to tell me something and He said, just remember you are not allowed to get angry about this.  Mental Vanilla me immediately perked up.  Master insisted on a suitable reply from me and when i eventually uttered the words “Yes Master” i KNEW full well that i didn’t mean it.  It is after my right as human being to get pissed off if i want to (there i go again!)  Needless to say, i did end up getting angry and (again) failed my Master and myself.

A slave cannot release herself from her Masters collar and service, without the explicit agreement and approval of her Master. – the thought of being released from my Master scares me and actually makes me feel sick to my core.  i don’t want to think about that.  i don’t see why i would ever ever ever want that to happen

A slaves only purpose it to serve and please her Master, as/or defined by each individual Master. – i wish I could do this 24/7, but Master knows that.  All in good time….  Until then i have to learn that just being available and being happy with that is a service in itself and pleasing to my Master

How will i get there?

Well, how do you know how far you have to go and what you need to do to get there if you don’t know where you are?

I sort of get stuck on that.

By now, i am sure that you can see where my biggest obstacle is and what it is that i need to work on – my mind.  Damm, that thing can run wild!

i’ve read an interesting article this week about a scientific study which proved that it only takes 15 seconds for a thought to become an emotion, so i’ve spent a lot of time this week actually thinking about what i’m thinking and what thoughts i allow to linger.  It’s been a great help and i think (?) Master is suitably impressed with my behaviour this week.  i guess that is as good a starting point as any and hopefully once i have my mind under control the rest will fall in place.

I sometimes wish Master would put me to the test so we can know where i am.  Mind you, Master probably knows better than me where i am at this stage and it’s just for me to figure it out.

i don’t think there is any doubt on my Master’s part of where i want to be, we just have to figure out where i am and how i am going to get where he wants me to be.  Excited about where He is yet to lead me

Good girl, loved princess and slut…

Master and i briefly spoke about the degradation / humiliation subject over the weekend.  What He said made sounded perfectly reasonable, but i still had this nagging thing in the back of my mind.  Something that i was not quite able to verbalize or even put my finger to.  Last night i told Master that i still had some question(s) about it and that i will write to Him.  i am able to express myself much better in written context than verbally.  It’s always been like this and can be very frustrating at times.

While writing to Him, it finally hit me:  it is not that i have an issue with the degradation as such, it is that i am stuck on something else and somehow the two are linked in my head.  Or rather, not linked but the one is completely separate from the other and you can’t have both, or something like that.  Uuuurrggghhh….. let me explain.

good-girl

i love to serve and serve to love.  Always have, always will.  In all my past relationships, my expression of love has always been through serving.  Unfortunately, it’s been completely vanilla and there was never any appreciation for my service.  Instead, i (and my service) was used and abused.  Don’t get me wrong, i KNOW that my Master appreciates my service and everything i do for Him is done out of a love i have never known in my life.  He makes a point of telling me and showing me that He appreciates it, so that part of the equation is not a problem.

i know that i love my Master with everything that i am.  i would do anything for Him, but this is where i get stuck.  What is confusing for me, and this is probably just a vanilla mindset that i have to overcome is how love fits in with degradation.  In other words, how can you love someone and call them degrading names at the same time?  Then again, those degrading names are formed in a vanilla world, not true?  Do you see my point or is it just me?

How can i be your treasured love and your slut at the same time.  “Slut” (and i am just using one term here) is something you call a girl that you have no respect for, so if i am loved, how can i be disrespected?  It is very confusing and i desperately want to understand that.

For me, in a sense, i suppose i am really stuck on being loved and respected and treasured and protected – that is what i crave, that is what i have looked for and wanted all my life and i get that from my Master.  In a sense, i suppose, i am trying to find out where being a “girlfriend” ends and being a “slave” begins.  In saying that, i know that the two are so tightly intermingled that the one does not end and the other begin.  In a sense, i suppose, i am trying to figure out how the two walks hand in hand.  You cannot, in my view, have a M/s relationship without love, trust, honestly and respect.  By being just “a girlfriend”, a couple of those things were missing (heck sometimes all of them!) and by being slave, i have all of that with my Master.  In a sense, i suppose, i am afraid of losing the love/respect part that (in my mind) goes with being a girlfriend and becoming just an object as slave?

Or maybe it’s just me making more of it than i should?

I don’t know if this makes any sense at all, but it is the best i have for now… i suppose the good thing to take away from this is that my initial response has changed.  When i first came across the subject of degradation my immediate response was “hell no, no one’s going to call me a slut. Hard limit!”.  Now, as with many other things, i am at a point where i am trying to wrap my head around it.  Growth 🙂

the chains that binds me, frees me

i was really hoping that the memory of the past weekend’s punishment would be enough to deter me from hitting my all too familiar start of the week low.  Turns out it didn’t.  On the other hand, however, i suppose i am allowed have these emotional ups and downs, i am human after all right?  i am slave yes, but not a machine and having an emotional attachment to my Master and wanting to serve Him is at the core of my being.

On the plus side, the memory of my punishment is enough to stop me from throwing tantrums and the rebellious bad girl have not dared to show up this week. 

Sitting here at the office, trying to focus on work, but being unable to focus my attention on anything other than my Master and the fact that He has so much to do and deal with on His own and i can’t be there to serve him, i’ve come to realize a couple of things:

  • This is something that i am going to have to figure out on my own
  • Master’s life does not come to a standstill just because i am feeling down and emotional and want to cry and He certainly does not need to reassure me 10 times a day that He too is thinking of me and misses me
  • This is something that i will have to find a solution for on my own, no one else is going to do it for me, it’s all up to me

So what will i do?  i will wear my chains.  Yes, my chains have come become my rescue.  i must admit, i was quite surprised about this.  When i first heard about chains, my immediate response was “WHAT?!?!?! Why would anyone want to be chained up?”  Granted, the picture in my head resembled something to the extent of a scrawny starved girl dragging herself across the floor, unable to stand under the weight of chains strong enough to anchor the Titanic.  Yes, yes, trust me to go to the extreme in my head…

On the weekend Master made some adjustments to my chains and added little bits here and there and i love the way it looks and feels.  i am quiet used to the nipple ring chains by now as i wear them every day since it forms part of my “day collar”.  The new additions however i only need to wear when Master and i are alone and i am in my collar and heels.  So when Master told me this morning to write about my chains and how i feel about it, the penny dropped and it was like He’s been reading my mind.

So here i am, at my desk, smiling at my boss because she doesn’t know that every time i move i feel my Master’s presence, the work of His hands on my body, so her shouting and clients calling me incompetent couldn’t phase me in the least.

Now, just to get past the fact that the awareness of my sex is making me soooo horny…..

yearning, craving, missing

Why does it feel like i am failing my Master when i miss Him like this?

Why can’t i just be stronger and less emotional?

i am following all the Rules and do what He expects of me, i’m His good girl

i can’t wait to see my Master, to hear His voice, to touch Him and feel His hands on me

i just want to kneel at His feet

my only desire is to be in His presence

my body, mind and spirit craves His attention

i yearn to hear His voice telling me “you’re MINE”

i miss my Master so…

Bad girl….

bad-girl

i have been a bad girl…. and i am so ashamed of myself

For the past week i have been nothing but sulky and moody and bitchy and bratty and rebellious.  i cried my eyes out over stupid commercials on TV and snapped at those around me for no apparent reason.  It reached a point yesterday where i thought to myself:

“FFS!  Just pull yourself together.  you are carrying on like a two-year-old who can’t get the shiny new toy.  you need a spanking for sure!”

It’s been bad, i haven’t had a good night’s sleep all week, i can’t remember when last i had a proper meal and i have quite literally worried myself sick over nothing.  It is so stupid, but only Master can silence my mind and when He is not around, i am yet to discover how to get that right.

Then, last night, o boy, did i lose it last night.  And not with anyone, with my Master.  Bad girl!  Plus i lost it for no valid reason (not that i could ever have a valid reason to get angry at Master, good slave girls don’t do that remember) and not in a pretty way either.  i sat there seething and boiling and when Master left with the words “it’s OK, now stop being mad at my property” i smiled and waved Him goodbye just to crumble into a little heap and ball my eyes out.  The ensuing war of the viciously nasty thoughts and memories that engulfed my being resulted in zero sleep on my part and a couple of emails flying in my Master’s direction and an even more cranky me greeting the sunrise.  Talk about spinning out of control, but wait it gets better…

What do i do at this point?  Do i send my Master a sweet good morning text and follow rules?  Heck no, not this chick.  Defiant little old me sends this message to Master:

Good morning Master, i hope you slept well.  i haven’t slept at all and just wanted to let you know that i will not be doing xyz this morning.  i am not in the right frame of mind for that.  Consequences?  Well, it is wat it is.  O and by the way, i’ve emailed you, a couple of times

My exact words.  Now, at this point is where i can see you shaking your head with a twitchy palm thinking i need some discipline or literally falling of your chair from laughing.

What does my Master do through all of this?  He stays calm and patient.  In His infinite wisdom He doesn’t lash out at my, He doesn’t show me any anger, He doesn’t get nasty and resentful.  He stays Master and He stays in control.  i don’t think my Master realizes the extend of what this meant to me.  He is the calm in my storm and He has proven that to me.  It is such a vast difference from what i am used to and this reaction of His has gone a long way in helping me shift from a vanilla mind-set (which unfortunately seems to be sticking around for longer than i want it to) to that of slave to my Master.

Two short answers and a very direct email message and i know who is in control and i feel my world slowly fall back into place.  At some point today when we had figured out where it was all coming from, i jokingly said to Master “well, i dodged a bullet on this one”.  His response was enough to let me know i am in trouble.

“Who said anything about dodging a bullet?”

THERE, that moment changed my entire mood around.  All of the negative, rebellious, defiant, irritated emotions slipped away and immediately i could feel calmness come over me.  my Master took control and made it known to me.

So, for the first time since we’ve started on this journey, i’ve managed to book myself some punishment for this weekend.  Not funishment, punishment.  There will be no fun to be had here and i know it.

Do i deserve it? Yes, i do

Will i try to wangle my way out of it? No, i won’t

You see, i am not looking forward to it – not at all, but i know it is needed.  i don’t quite know how to explain how i feel, but saying “i need the release that can only be obtained by discipline” resonates with everything in me.

i have come to realize that, when i get moody and irritable or hit a low, i become defiant and rebellious.  i don’t like it, but it is what it is, and it is in that, that i have come to realize that i almost need to be micro-managed on days when i feel like that.  Not quite micro-managed, but something like that.

For me, and this is where i have to be careful not to be put my foot in it, the consequence is almost more important than then rule.  If Master gives me a simple rule to follow, for instance sleeping with my collar, and i don’t do that there must be consequence, right?  So, if there is no consequence, then the rule becomes flexible and if the rules becomes flexible and i know there is no consequence, why would i make a point of remembering it at all.  i am going to the extreme on this and am not saying that this is the way that i am.  i posted a question about Rules on FetLife the other day.  One of the responses said that if a Master does not follow through with consequence, the slave will start to test Him and His dominance will slip.  i can only agree to an extend.  i will never go as far as “testing” my Master, but for me the dominance and control that Master has over me is a reminder to me of who and what i am.  i suppose in a way you could say the follow through of consequence is such an expression of dominance and ownership that i KNOW it will take me back to the core of what i am: slave to my Master, there to serve, honour, please and obey.  i NEED that stern voice when i am out whack.  i need to be put in my place.

i thrive on structure and rules and obeying.  Equally so, i “know” that i then need to be disciplined when i go against it.  i thrive on knowing the rule, obeying the rule and being mindful of the consequence if it is not followed.

So, this punishment, i have wholly brought upon myself and as Your slave, i will suffer what my Master ordains, learn what my Master teaches me and change what my Master alters

Here’s to KNOWING i’ve learned a valuable lesson…

fcuked up little words..

insecurity

fear

projection

 

what a fcuked up little words – little words with so much potential

 

fcuk everyone that screwed me over in the past

fcuk everything that’s happened up to now

fcuk it all

 

i hate what it has made me

i am sorry for what it has made me

 

wouldn’t it be nice to just wipe it all from existence?

wouldn’t it be nice to pretend nothing ever happened and we are all dancing little fairies skipping from happy moment to happy moment with nothing in between that can take away from that bliss

wouldn’t it be nice to stop noticing and thinking and assuming and wondering?

wouldn’t it be nice to get rid of the little demons that creep in and take over until i can no longer make sense of anything

 

i am sorry

no one signed up for this, and least of all you

to me: an inconvenience an reason for rage – these demons that plague my mind

to you: an unfair, unfounded, unreasonable projection on you of everything that you are NOT!

 

i don’t want this

i hate this

 

i am sorry